He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Someone shit on the floor
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You've changed since you got that strap on
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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