I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
