i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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