just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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