He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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