she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
