He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I need moral support for this bender
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
