Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
