At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
