respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
