I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
