Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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