This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
