dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
