Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
