Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
