I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
