i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
