I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
