I wish I could teleport
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
