you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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