I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
