It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
