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Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just cropdusted the office
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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