She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
