: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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