I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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