i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
