I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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