it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
zippers are such a cool invention
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
