I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
