Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
