you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
