Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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