What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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