so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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