Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
