The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
