Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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