maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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