just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
farters have to be the big spoon...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
