i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
