census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
