i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
