What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
