need another drink. this is the easiest way
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
