I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
