theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
