I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
