Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
